Xanet Pailet is a woman with a cause. She wants everyone to begin Living an Orgasmic Life, and her book offers plenty of ideas and information. Her subtitle, Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure also gives you some clues about where she’s going with this.

Fundamentally, this is a book about personal growth and transformation of a very specific type. Pailet starts her conversation about adult sexuality with some of her own story, including many years in a sexless marriage. But this isn’t a memoir. She also includes lots of real-life stories from her coaching practice. They make the book’s concepts feel more relatable and realistic. It’s important to be prepared for language that runs the gamut from anatomical to slang, all describing body parts and sexual activities. I wouldn’t leave this book where a ten-year-old could find it!

Speaking of anatomy, Pailet teaches her readers about crucial body-specific factors in sexual activity. For example, why certain body parts work the way they do, and how our knowledge can make life better. She also covers the physiological aspects of sex—why those anatomical parts work together the way they do. But don’t think this is all charts and boring schoolmarm stuff. Far from it!

Another aspect to Pailet’s book is how previous events in people’s lives can affect their current sexual activities. She discusses how overcoming trauma, abuse, and shame is a vital step towards living an orgasmic life. Our emotions around these experiences greatly affect our ability to achieve emotional intimacy. Pailet is sensitive and caring, as well as knowledgeable about this aspect of relationships.

My conclusions

Pailet teaches by telling stories, her own and her clients. So nearly every suggestion has a real-life illustration. It makes for a conversational book, which is appropriate given the subject matter. She also suggests many exercises to complete outside the book—from journaling to work with a partner. An example is her “timeline exercise” where a woman lists any and all physical wounds—from infections to childbirth to surgeries. Pailet explains that these events affect our ability to fully engage in sexual activity.

Having just read Rebecca Traister’s recent book discussing the #metoo movement in some detail, I struggled with some parts of Pailet’s book. Her perspective on women’s most common fantasy scenario is hard for me to stomach, even if it’s based in statistical reality. I’m just not sure yet how to reconcile my resurfaced #metoo feelings with Pailet’s perspective.

On the other hand, Pailet’s discussion of the ways masculine and feminine energies have changed our sex lives in the last 40-50 years is logical. She touches on social commentary without leaving the world of practical advice.

I also think it makes a lot of sense to connect sexual energy with both creativity and overall life energy. Given this connection, it’s even more beneficial to implement her strategies.

Pailet pulls everything together, and makes this book applicable to every phase of adult life. She has states that the book is meant to be inclusive. But honestly, the pronouns are binary. Plus, the wording and client stories are mostly hetero and cis gendered. However, a few of the web sites she refers readers to are much more inclusive.

You may blush your way through the beginning of the book, but when you settle into the rhythm and language, I’ll bet you find some ideas to incorporate in your own life.


Many thanks to the author for giving me an advanced reader’s copy of the book in exchange for this honest review.